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How to find a surrogate & the best questions to ask a potential match

It is important to realize the search to find a surrogate is not just about identifying a person willing to help, it’s also about choosing someone you can form a partnership with, and can trust to nurture the growth and development of your child. In this article we aim to share our expertise in the matching process. Throughout the article we will use the terms gestational carrier, gestational surrogate and surrogate interchangeably, however it is important to note they all refer to the process of gestational surrogacy.

What does a strong surrogate match look like?

Many intended parents (IPs) and surrogates start their surrogacy journey as strangers but often build a profound bond based on their shared goal of creating life and a family for the IPs. Even if this relationship doesn’t always lead to a lifelong friendship down the line, the connection between the two parties is undeniably unique and special. Maintaining a healthy relationship should be treated as a priority from the moment you match with a surrogate.

The ideal surrogate-intended parent relationship begins with recognizing the role of the surrogate as more than just a vessel. Instead, she should be recognized, first and foremost, as a person who is also finding meaning and purpose through surrogacy. The best surrogacy relationships are about partnership, shared goals and values, and ultimately, open communication and mutual respect.

So, how do you find the ideal match for your journey?

Understand the types of surrogacy relationships 

The first step to matching with a surrogate is to understand the types of relationships existing between gestational carriers and intended parents. Knowledge of the relationship dynamics will help you to find the right match for the journey you envisage. These dynamics can be categorized into three main types: open relations, restricted relations, and structured relations.

Open relations

Defined as regular, caring, intense, also spontaneous, open relationships are often face-to-face with little to no intermediaries.

Structured relations

Structured relations are characterized by contact that is planned at regular intervals: more often pre-birth, occasional post-birth, (postcard or a phone call from time to time) and involves intermediaries.

Restricted relations

Characterized by “no contact or sporadic contact”, restricted relationships between surrogates and intended parents are governed by low expectations. Evidence suggests that even though some surrogates are not interested in maintaining a relationship, it is also not uncommon for surrogates in restricted relations to require more contact and support during the pregnancy. This type of surrogacy arrangement is not preferred by NewGen Families for the wellbeing of both our surrogates and intended parents.

Independent vs Agency Matching

We recommend intended parents work with an agency throughout the surrogacy process. Even though it may appear more cost-effective to find a surrogate independently, surrogacy agencies offer numerous advantages. These include extensive vetting of potential candidates, expert guidance for each party during the matching process, mediation during disagreements, established and tested processes, and a coordinated end-to-end approach. Whilst there are additional costs associated with involving an agency initially, many risks are mitigated, which could end up saving intended parents emotionally and financially in the long run. 

How to find a surrogate without the help of an agency

If you are still curious about how to find a surrogate without the help of an agency, consider engaging with surrogacy groups online. These resources can be helpful when trying to find a surrogate and offer insight into the right questions to ask a surrogacy agency, should you decide to go down that path in the future. We strongly recommend those independently looking for a surrogate to be vigilant as people you meet online won’t have been screened by professionals before you are connected with them. Asking for criminal background checks and psychological evaluations by a licensed mental health professional specializing in surrogacy  are crucial in determining if someone is a good candidate for surrogacy.

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NewGen Families approach to relationships

We believe in fostering open relations between our intended parents and surrogates. However, with the support of an agency, you are able to maintain open relations but also benefit from some of the elements of a structured relations approach. Part of our role as the agency is to assist each party in communicating and navigating their wishes at every stage of the journey.

NewGen Families surrogate screening process

An integral part of a surrogacy agency’s role is to thoroughly screen and evaluate potential gestational carriers to ensure a candidate is suitable for the demands of a surrogacy journey. At NewGen Families, our background checks and psychological evaluation are major aspects of the application process for our gestational carriers. These evaluations assess a candidate’s past and current mental health, and emotional preparedness, ensuring safe, supportive and ethical journeys. 

NewGen Families surrogate screening process

After the surrogates have been screened and accepted into our program, intended parents and surrogate’s review each other’s profiles and decide if they would both like to meet for the first time via a video call guided by our team. These meetings provide a unique opportunity to connect, share stories, and assess compatibility. 

Our top 10 questions to ask during a match meeting are: 

  1. “Why have you chosen to become a surrogate?” – this helps establish your surrogate’s motivations, ensuring that your goals and values are aligned from the get-go.

  2. “What drew you to my profile” – this can give you insight into your surrogate’s motivations and values.

  3. “What does a typical day in your life look like?” – this offers a glimpse into the surrogate’s daily routine, which can be crucial for assessing her availability and commitment to the surrogacy journey.

  4. “What level of communication are you expecting throughout the journey and after the birth?” – this clarifies communication expectations, ensuring both parties are on the same page regarding updates, decisions, and emotional support.

  5. “What is your support network like?” – this assesses the surrogate’s support system, which can impact her emotional and physical well-being during the journey.

  6. “How would you describe your past pregnancies?” – provides insights into the surrogate’s pregnancy history and what you could expect on your journey together.

  7. “What is your stance on termination, vaccines and desired birth setting?” – this aims to clarify each parties stance on important aspects of the pregnancy and birth.

  8. “Are you comfortable with us joining for embryo transfer and/or medical appointments and sharing medical information after each appointment?” – this ensures you are on the same page with regards to your desired involvement in the medical aspects of the journey.

 

Key Takeaways on How to Find a Surrogate

  • Understanding surrogate – intended parent relationships 

There are various types of relationships between intended parents and surrogates. These can be categorized as open, structured or restricted. Understanding these dynamics can help you determine what to look for in a surrogate match.

  • Surrogacy agencies provide valuable screening and guidance

While independent surrogacy arrangements may seem cost-effective initially, experienced surrogacy agencies like NewGen Families offer valuable advantages like expert surrogate match services, mediation for relationship support, established processes, and end-to-end coordination, leading to potential cost savings in the long run and a smoother journey. Your surrogacy agency will ask the right questions of a potential surrogate to ensure the best outcome for your future family.

  • Finding a surrogate without an agency

If you’re considering finding a surrogate without an agency, it’s essential to exercise caution. If utilizing social networks or introductions from your network, make sure a thorough background checks and psychological evaluations for a potential surrogate and their partner are conducted.

Considering building your family through gestational surrogacy? Take the first step by booking a complimentary consultation with our Co-Founder & CEO, Damien here.

Future Parents

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We’d love to stay in touch, so please enter your details to download our surrogate handbook. The handbook will give you a detailed overview of every stage of the journey.

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