Tell people you’re pregnant and you’ll probably get the usual questions. When are you due? Do you know if it’s a boy or girl? How are you feeling?
Tell people you’re pregnant as a surrogate and the questions get a little more interesting.
If you’ve been a surrogate for more than about a week, chances are you’ve heard at least a few of these already. Most aren’t meant badly. Surrogacy is still unfamiliar to a lot of people, and genuine curiosity is a good thing. Sometimes the question just comes out… not exactly how they intended.
So consider this the article you can quietly forward to your mom, your coworker, the woman at school pickup or anyone else who has questions. Because surrogates are usually happy to talk about what they’re doing. They’d just really love to retire a few of these.
“How can you give the baby away?”
This might be the surrogacy question.
The problem is the assumption behind it: that the surrogate thinks of the baby as hers and then has to somehow give it away at the end.
That isn’t how most gestational surrogates enter the journey.
As a surrogate, you know from the beginning why you’re pregnant and who you’re carrying for. The intended parents may have created the embryo using their own eggs or sperm, or with the help of a donor, but in gestational surrogacy the surrogate doesn’t provide the egg and isn’t genetically related to the baby.
That doesn’t mean you don’t care about the baby. You can care deeply about the pregnancy, feel protective of the little person kicking away in there and have a meaningful connection with the family you’re carrying for.
It just doesn’t mean you want to take their baby home.
And yes, the next question is often: “But what if you change your mind?”
By the time you reach embryo transfer, you’ve had plenty of time to think about what you’re doing. There’s an application process, medical screening, psychological assessment, matching, independent legal advice and a lot of conversation before anyone gets near an embryo transfer. It isn’t an impulsive decision.
Perhaps a better question is: “What does it feel like to carry a baby for someone else?”
Now that could lead to an interesting conversation.
“Are you doing it for the money?”
Surrogate compensation is real, and we don’t need to pretend otherwise.
A surrogate in the United States can receive significant compensation for the time, physical commitment and disruption involved in carrying a pregnancy for someone else. She should.
But the idea that there must be one pure, selfless reason for becoming a surrogate doesn’t really reflect how people make big decisions.
You can want to help someone become a parent and have financial goals. You might genuinely enjoy pregnancy. You might love the idea of doing something few people ever get to do. You may be thinking about a down payment on a house, your children’s future, paying down debt or something you’ve wanted for years.
Those things can all be true at the same time.
If you’re curious about the actual numbers, we’ve explained how surrogate compensation works in more detail.
“Okay, but how much are you getting paid?”
A close relative of the previous question, but somehow much more direct.
Some surrogates are completely comfortable talking about their compensation. Others would sooner hand over their bank statement.
Both are reasonable.
Surrogate compensation isn’t a secret, and there’s nothing uncomfortable about acknowledging that women are compensated for the commitment involved in a surrogacy journey.
But exactly how much you’re being paid? That’s still a pretty personal financial question.
If you want to tell someone, you will.
“Does your husband or partner really let you do that?”
The word “let” is doing some work here.
Partner support genuinely matters during surrogacy. There will be appointments, medications, pregnancy symptoms and days when someone else may need to take over dinner or school pickup.
If you have a partner, they’re part of your support system and the journey will affect their life too. Having honest conversations before becoming a surrogate is important.
But support is the operative word.
You’re an adult woman making an informed decision about your own body. Your partner doesn’t issue the permission slip.
“I could never do that.”
Not technically a question, but if you’ve been a surrogate, you’ve probably heard it.
Usually it’s intended as a compliment.
And that’s how we’d take it.
Surrogacy isn’t something everyone could or would want to do. Some women know immediately that carrying a pregnancy for someone else would be emotionally difficult for them. Others can’t imagine going through pregnancy again once their own family is complete.
A surrogate may look at exactly the same situation and feel completely differently.
That’s kind of the point.
You don’t have to imagine yourself doing it to understand why someone else might choose to.
“Won’t your kids get confused?”
Kids can be surprisingly matter-of-fact about surrogacy when adults give them clear, age-appropriate information.
For younger children, the explanation might be as simple as: “Mom is helping another family grow their baby because they can’t carry the baby themselves.”
They’ll probably have questions. They may want to feel the baby kick, talk about the intended parents or tell absolutely everyone at school what Mom is doing. Depending on the child, possibly in much more detail than you were planning.
Preparing children for the journey and giving them space to talk about how they feel matters. We’ve put together a guide to talking to your partner and kids about becoming a surrogate if you’re having those conversations at home.
And occasionally, your child will explain surrogacy to another adult so simply that you’ll wonder why the rest of us made it sound complicated in the first place.
“Do you have to sleep with the dad?”
Yes, people still ask this.
No.
Gestational surrogacy uses IVF and embryo transfer. An embryo is created outside the body and transferred into the surrogate’s uterus by a fertility clinic.
There is no sex involved in creating the pregnancy.
This may be one of those questions best Googled before it gets asked at a barbecue.
“Is the baby biologically yours?”
No. A gestational surrogate does not provide the egg, so she isn’t genetically related to the baby she carries.
The embryo may be created using the intended parents’ eggs and sperm, donor eggs or sperm, or a combination depending on how that particular family is being created.
Traditional surrogacy, where the surrogate’s own egg is used, is a different form of surrogacy and is far less common in the United States. NewGen Families only facilitates gestational surrogacy arrangements.
So when someone says she’s a gestational surrogate, she’s carrying the pregnancy. She isn’t the baby’s biological mother.
“Won’t you get attached?”
Probably. Just perhaps not in the way people imagine.
You can form a very real connection with the baby you’re carrying. You might talk to them, have a nickname for them, enjoy feeling them move and care deeply about how they’re doing.
You may become close to the intended parents too. For some surrogates, those relationships continue long after the pregnancy is over.
Attachment doesn’t automatically mean wanting to parent someone.
For many surrogates, seeing the intended parents meet their baby is the moment they’ve imagined throughout the pregnancy. You’ve known all along where this little person belongs.
“Do you get to choose the intended parents?”
At NewGen, yes.
Matching isn’t about handing you a file and telling you who you’ll be carrying for. Both you and the intended parents need to feel comfortable with the match before deciding to move forward together.
And there’s more to that decision than whether everyone seems nice on a Zoom call.
You might talk about the kind of relationship you each hope to have during the pregnancy, communication, expectations, values and what everyone imagines the journey looking like.
Some surrogates want a close relationship with their intended parents. Others prefer something a little less involved. There isn’t one correct version.
You’re about to do something important together. You’re allowed to care who you do it with.
“How does your husband feel about you carrying another man’s baby?”
There’s a lot packed into this one.
For starters, there may not even be a dad. Intended parents might be a heterosexual couple, two dads, two moms or a single parent.
More importantly, describing surrogacy as “having another man’s baby” makes the whole thing sound suspiciously like there has been a very dramatic affair rather than an IVF procedure.
Your partner can have feelings about the journey. In fact, we’d hope you’re talking about it together.
But you’re carrying a pregnancy for another family. That’s what surrogacy is.
“Are you going to pump breast milk?”
Maybe.
Some surrogates choose to pump breast milk after delivery for the baby they’ve carried. Others don’t. The decision can depend on the surrogate, intended parents, practicalities and what everyone agreed on before the birth.
It’s actually a perfectly reasonable thing to be curious about.
It gets more personal when the follow-up questions start getting into exactly how, how much, for how long and what happens to your breasts afterward.
Sometimes knowing when you’ve received enough information is the real skill.
“Aren’t you worried about what pregnancy will do to your body?”
Pregnancy changes your body. Surrogates know this.
In fact, one of the basic requirements for becoming a gestational surrogate is having previously carried a pregnancy, so you generally know what pregnancy and postpartum recovery can involve.
That doesn’t mean every pregnancy is identical or that body changes don’t matter.
It means you’ve already thought about them.
There’s something strange about how comfortable people can become discussing a woman’s weight, breasts, stomach and body the moment pregnancy enters the conversation. Surrogacy doesn’t make those questions less personal.
“Aren’t you worried about what people will think?”
Surrogacy is still misunderstood, and you’re probably going to encounter opinions from people who know very little about it.
You may want to talk openly about your journey. You might post about it on social media, answer questions and enjoy helping people understand what surrogacy actually looks like.
Or you might keep parts of it private.
Being a surrogate doesn’t mean everyone suddenly becomes entitled to your reproductive history.
You can answer questions when they’re asked respectfully. You can decide there are things you’d rather keep between yourself, your family and the intended parents.
And that acquaintance you bump into occasionally probably doesn’t need every detail.
“Would you do it again?”
Okay, this one is fair.
The answer will be different for every surrogate.
Some women finish their first journey already knowing they’d love to do another. Others feel incredibly proud of what they’ve done and equally certain that once was enough.
There are medical considerations too, so wanting to become a surrogate again is only part of the equation.
But compared with “do you have to sleep with the dad?”, you’re doing pretty well with this one.
Curiosity is a good thing. How you ask matters.
Most surrogates understand why people have questions.
Surrogacy isn’t part of everyday life for everyone, and we’d much rather people ask thoughtful questions than rely on some of the very strange ideas about surrogacy floating around online.
Nobody needs perfect terminology or an encyclopedic understanding of IVF before starting a conversation. Curiosity about an experience that’s unfamiliar to you is completely normal.
Just remember that you’re asking a real person about her body, pregnancy, family, relationships and sometimes her finances. If the question would feel unusually personal to ask another pregnant woman, it’s worth thinking about how you phrase it.
And if you’re the surrogate being asked?
You don’t owe everyone an answer simply because they asked.
Sometimes “it’s a long story” is a perfectly good one.
A note from NewGen Families
Every surrogate experiences her journey differently. Some love talking about surrogacy with anyone who’ll listen; others prefer to keep parts of the experience private.
We think both are completely reasonable.
Our role is to give surrogates clear information, genuine support and space to talk openly about the experience, including the parts people don’t always think to ask about.
If you’re thinking about becoming a surrogate yourself, you can explore our surrogacy resources or learn more about becoming a NewGen surrogate.
